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Midnight Ramble

i found myself sitting on the edge of the bed, wondering what you are doing right now.... and where are you?
It's not the first time of course, it's happened before - but it is always the same. It's late, midnight and i get contemplative and introspective if i am on my own... and these days, that's a lot.  
i guess that is my decision when you get down to it - i could be married, i could have had kids *shudder* and all that but guess what - right, i never wanted it.   i am basically against marriage and the whole possession thing - always believed and still do, that a piece of paper and legal permission from the State will not keep you together.
In point of fact, a hellova lot of people seem to take getting married as some sort of licence to share someone's life and do what they want as well - little things like having affairs and keeping secrets from the other.   And expect to change the other person to their way of doing things, quite often.  And sad to say, most often for the wrong reason altogether.   Don't get me wrong, it's not an exclusively male or female thing - they both do it as much as the other.
i never saw it that way.   If you want to share your life with someone, hopefully it's because you love them and can't imagine your life without them...
Well if that were the criteria, i guess that could include you, couldn't it?  You are so much a part of my life now, threaded through and around it, like some exotic honeysuckle or wisteria....  Do i love you?  
From the time i met you, i knew i had to rejoin the human race, not sit on the sidelines because it is easier just to watch...  you'd think i'd learned by now, wouldn't you?  Every time i opt out, life reaches into my hideyhole and wrenches me out, causing me to fall in love with someone i hadn't seen coming, or not really suited to me - and i'd be off again.  It's a wild ride while it lasts, this falling in love ...  if you are lucky, they are interested in you too, but that is rare and may or may not be as involved as you are.
Once in a while you do meet that elusive one... and the bells ring - yeah, they fair deafen you!
i've been lucky and i've had my 'honeymoon night' - the Great 'They' say you only have one true one in your life.  i'm reserving judgment on that one.   But i have had one - yes, all right! and a couple of others that came close.
i guess it's a little like the seventh wave - you fall in and out of love when you are young and then Wham-Bam, Thank You, M'am! there's that wave... and it swamps you, drowns you and doesn't give you a chance.  You think about him or her all the time, want to touch, hold, kiss and be with him.  If it is mutual, leaving each other in the morning almost makes you ill, you so don't want to go.   It is a physical wrench to be apart and it hurts.  This is your honeymoon and you need to ride this thing together.  You are useless at work because you dream of him and are not really there.  He rings you to make sure you are alright, because he feels the same...  all you want to do is go home and have his arms around you.   Yeah, i miss that.   Do i love you?
Not like that, merciful Goddess...   i will always be interested in what you do, will support your efforts as much as i can with delight & enthusiasm, do what i can to tell people about your talents which are remarkable, and try to let you know, in the least threatening way  i know how, that there are those who do care about you very much.   Do i love you? Your work is amazing and you belong to the strata of rare human beings whose private life is outweighed by what you bring to the world - and for whom allowances are made, like a Brando or Cole Porter.  You are capable of bringing joy and entertainment to millions.   Do i love you for that?
You betcha!